How Original

It's New Year's Eve and I'm blogging. How original. I feel like I should get in my last post before the end of 2008. Or else.

December has gone by too quickly and I feel like I have so much to say and yet nothing to say all at the same time. North Carolina was good. Almost too good. It's nice to feel at home with two families now. Three, I guess, if you count the family that Luke and I make. Four if you count how wonderful it was to see beautiful, dear friends over break.

I don't often forget how I miss my friends from school. Wonderful women who I could talk with for hours and hours if only there was more time. But being with them makes me remember how good it is to be in community. I desperately needed the lunches that I had with Rachel, Whitney, Kristen, Emily, Kathryn, Liz and Amanda as well as the coffee break with Ashleigh. I needed to talk about the things that were happening in my life and hear about others' lives, I needed to talk about frustrations with people who have the same frustrations and listen to wise words from women who know who I am. It always amazes me how good friends just click, it doesn't matter if it's been 3 minutes or 3 months. I am truly grateful for the women in my life. Not to leave out the strong mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, aunts and sisters I've been blessed with as well. These women show me what it means to face life and to take it for what it is and follow God into the complexity and uncertainty that lies ahead.

During lunch with Kristen, Rachel and Whitney we were talking about, well, everything, and the subject came around to grad school and the future. While discussing what I quite possibly want to do with my life I made the comment that I wasn't sure if I could be a case manager forever, since I feel things very intensely. All three of my friends burst out laughing and Kristen said "That might just be the understatement of the year...And that's why we love you." It was good to hear that...and I'm not sure why. I don't know if it's because so often I feel foolish for the tears that come to my eyes when I think about the women at Polaris or see someone shivering on the street when I have nothing to offer. Or maybe it's just because I've felt so lost in emotion that it was good to hear that it's okay because that's part of who I am. Whatever the reason, it was good to hear.

Christmas was full of laughter and excitement. I really love Christmas at my house because it isn't filled with "Oh, I want to open this present next!" but rather "Please open the present from me next!" The giving is so much more exciting than the receiving. I hope that my children are the same way. Christmas was also full of music and yummy cooking. When I first started this post (it took me several days to finish) I was sitting on the couch while my father, Christie and Katie were in the living room singing selections from The Messiah, while my mother was creating delicious treats in the kitchen. It was good to be back in Mebane for awhile.

I hope you all had a joyous Christmas, as well, and are enjoying this New Year's Eve. I still find myself struck by Christmas and what it all means. I understand Jesus coming down to Earth for us...but I'm still not sure what implications it has for my life. I once heard Scott Bessenecker (the leader of Global Urban Trek and an author for InterVarsity Press) say that Jesus' first cry of solidarity with the poor was his first cry as a baby, implying two things: (first) that we, as humans, are all poor and (second) that because Jesus showed solidarity with us we must also show solidarity with each other.

I have a confession: I don't know what solidarity looks like.

When we say unity and/or solidarity...what does that really mean? And when people are supposed to know that we are Christians by our love...what is love? True, hardcore, Godly love. The way Jesus loved. And, on top of that, how do we pursue such love if we are never going to be perfect lovers of humanity. Not only that but love gets mixed up and meshed together here in our imperfect world. Love tends to mean tolerance and support lately...and yet Jesus showed us love by becoming like us, living among us and dying for us...all the while identifying sin for what it is and calling people to holiness and perfection...

I find myself more and more reluctant to use the word "home" lately. I can feel at home with people, but for some reason no place feels like home any more. I don't quite fit in Mebane, and I definitely don't fit in DC yet. I was talking to Luke about it and he said "That's because Earth isn't our home." I think it's a profound concept. It's something I've heard a lot, but never quite felt until recently, but it's true. The things I long for...community with all, where all is fair and all people are taken care of, where complexity is gone and truth is known...these are things that will not be truly present until heaven. We work towards them now, but live in a constant "already, but not yet" state until Christ returns and all is made right again. So we work towards a Heavenly Kingdom, where brokenness is no longer felt, we pray to be made as whole as possible and serve others so that they may become whole by the grace of God. And we wait for that glorius day when all will be made right. And it will be glorious.

2008 was a crazy year. Crazy, but wonderful. Full of questions, frustrations and anger met with God's provision, grace and mercy. Full of God knocking me on my back and picking me up...but also teaching me to be patient because in some things I'm still waiting for Him to pick me up, dust me off and help me learn to walk again. I know He will though, He is good, always (I need to write that now so when I can't find a job and I'm frustrated I'll read this blog and remember...). I'm thankful that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow...and I look forward to learning more about how I relate to such a Constant Being and how I can learn to serve Him better, always.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Snapshots.

I don't actually know why I'm writing a blog. If you read Luke's blog you will realize that we are very different people. Today he made the comment that he blogs when he has a well thought-out message to convey in a consistent, comprehensive and lucid post. I blog when I feel the need to be creative...in his words "sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't". That is true...and I think it sums up our personalities quite nicely. So tonight is a blog that may or may not make sense.This week, in a quest for community, Luke and I made dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies (14 plates full!) to take them to our work places and around to our neighbors and people who serve our apartment complex unceasingly. Unfortunately (I can never spell that word right on the first try...) only four of our neighbors (out of 10) answered their doors. Anybody want a plate of Christmas cookies? We have six left! But it was well worth it, we were met with smiles and excitement and promises of future friends (if we put in the effort, I'm sure). One little kid was so excited about Christmas cookies that he started dancing around in front of the door. It was quite entertaining. All in all I'm glad we met our neighbors, even though we were worried at first. I hope we can get to know them better in the future. (We made gingerbread cookies, chocolate and white chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies and brownies for the plates. While Luke was frosting one of the gingerbread cookies with white, whipped icing he started singing "little white gingerbread man, you live a life of privilege and you don't even know it...". It was pretty entertaining.)Today was not the best day I've ever had. My fellowship ends tomorrow and I found out today that the policy job I was hoping to score with Polaris will most likely be given to another fellow. All in all I know that God, therefore, has another plan for my life. I think too often though I just get frustrated when He fosters these passions in me for working towards an end to injustice and then makes me wait to hear how I can actually use my passions for something good. And sometimes I feel like I just get stuck in waiting and wishing that I could just do something. So for now I will be unemployed. After the New Year I plan on finding a part-time volunteer position (as opposed to the full-time volunteer position I've been participating in for the last three months), and applying for jobs part time. I'm frustrated, yes, but willing to work--even if it's free--for the good of others. I guess we'll see.

On a more positive note, I did notice today that if I stand in front of the glass doors on the metro my reflection is eye-level to the lights in the tunnel. Therefore, I imagined today that I could shoot lasers from my eyes the entire way home. It was fairly amusing and I hope to do it more often.

I've been thinking a lot about Jesus and how He came down to earth and all of the circumstances surrounding His birth. This comes right before I plunge into a year long read-through the Bible chronologically study, which means I won't be seriously considering Jesus during my quiet time until next October, or so. I'm always utterly amazed at the different reactions Jesus caused, even in His first days of life:

For shepherds they worshiped something truly amazing and were the first to witness a truly miraculous and world-changing event, something that I'm sure had never happened to them before.
For Herod He caused great fear.
For the Magi He caused a long journey.
For Simeon He caused extreme joy and a fulfilled promise--almost a prophecy for what was to come for many, many more.

One thing our church does during advent and on Christmas Eve is have communion to remind us why Jesus came in the first place. Instead of just celebrating the baby Jesus, we celebrate the life of Jesus, which is really what we should celebrate anyway. Last week Pastor Wong said "Christmas for Christians should be a thanksgiving that Jesus came and fulfilled His purpose and asking God how we can fulfill ours." I think that's a good way of looking at it.

Since we're leaving for North Carolina so early we're going to miss the Christmas pageant at our church, which is sad, because it's the "classic" Christmas Pageant where the little kids just act out the Christmas story with classic carols and Bible passages in between. We did get to peek in on the rehearsal on Sunday though, and it was really beautiful. Since we go to an international church there were kids of all different ethnicities in the manger scene. While I know the original Christmas was not racially different, I think it still makes Jesus smile to see a diverse group of children celebrating His birth together. Not only that, but these kids are ridiculously cute, so they just make you smile anyways.

For unto us a Child is born, y'all. Unto us a Child is given. He is Christ the LORD. Wonderful Counselor. Mighty God. Everlasting Father. Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. The zeal of the LORD Almighty will accomplish this. He is the root and the offspring of David. The Bright and Morning Star.

I find it amazing how much I need those words. How much we need those words. How much the world needs those words. And think about how relevant they are.

Now when therapy is a huge trend (I'm not knocking it, I'm in therapy too).
Where earthly fathers are absent, abusive or emotionally unavailable.
Where war is rampant and corrupt governments are found pretty much everywhere.
Where a good and perfect being of righteousness and justice is desperately needed to make things right once and for all.

These words, written so long ago, are still so very comforting and necessary and longed for.

And He will be for all people.

On a lighter note than yesterday...

This made me laugh a lot. So I thought I'd share...

Do you remember these?

If so, you'll appreciate this...

Are you my mother?

When I was little I read this Dr. Seuss book called Are You My Mother?. I'm sure you've all read it, but it was about this little bird that hatched from its nest and went around asking bulldozers, dogs and other objects (animate and inanimate alike) if they were its mother. It was looking for a place to belong, a group to be in, and identity to form.

I've been feeling a lot like this little bird recently. I feel like such a stupid child for wandering around looking for a place or an identity because I think that this happens every time a major change happens in my life. I feel rocked to the core and God has to strip me of everything in order to make me realize that my core being is truly in Him. Unfortunately my head knowledge is always a few steps ahead of my heart, and so there is still a great amount of processing and heart searching that needs to go on before I can reach the inevitable conclusion that I always reach at the end of this journey that I am so often on...

I think I often find myself wishing I was someone else or somewhere else. I wish I didn't have to wrestle with hard issues or that I wasn't as passionate about things as I am. I wish I knew and was confident in my role as a wife, as a daughter, as a sister or as a friend. I'm tired, but I know that if I didn't wrestle I wouldn't be satisfied with my place in life. But wrestling is hard...and I know I'll go away with a limp (see Genesis 32)...and sometimes I'm okay with that..other times I wish I could just go away unchanged.

So much of my world has been rocked, and I feel like a lot of my naivety about how the world works is gone...for better of for worse. I hate saying that, too, because it means that I have to admit how naive I was, and, if I'm truthful, probably still am. I'm afraid because in admitting that I seem more at risk for becoming paralyzed in cynicism and anger, and part of me wishes that was allowed. It is so hard to see others, and perhaps even yourself, take one step forward and two steps back in understanding the complexity of life...

Not only that but my view of the world has gone from being frustrated about the way things are "out there" to the way things are "right here".

Right here where addictions to drugs and alcohol and sex seem to conquer any thoughts that there might be someone out there who really loves and cares for you.

Right here where I can walk by a brothel where the women within are currently going through hell on my way to a McDonald's every Tuesday for a meeting with a client who went through hell a couple of years ago.

Right here where evil seems to conquer good.

Right here where Johns pass starving and homeless men and women on the streets in order to spend their "hard earned money" on sex with someone they don't even know, causing her harm that they will never see.

I find myself frustrated and confused. Isn't love supposed to conquer all...isn't good supposed to conquer evil...

But when it comes down to it it doesn't matter how much I love our clients...that crack addiction and the fact that they have never been told that they are worth it rings louder and truer in their ears. The fact that her uncle pimped her out and addicted her to crack when she was a little girl or the fact that her boyfriend made her have sex with his friends in order to have a place to sleep at night is going to speak louder to them than my words of encouragement and love...

Kate says we're planting seeds that we probably won't get to see bloom. And part of me believes her. The other part of me breaks inside because nobody has ever given them these seeds before...

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people...
Galatians 6:9-10a

Don't worry, Moms, we got a Christmas tree.

Both Mom S. and Mom T. were incredibly worried about the fact that we might not be getting a Christmas tree. But it's okay, because we did. And below is the proof. (For more proof, as always, you can check out these pictures on facebook. Click here).

The original reason why we weren't going to get a Christmas tree was because we were uncertain whether or not it would be the best use of our money to get a tree when some of our neighbors can't afford food. So we compromised and got a cheap tree with a gift card left over from our wedding (Hooray for gift cards), and we bought some groceries for our neighbors instead. Anyway, I've digressed. Here are some pictures. =)

First of all, we didn't realize that our camera had a video recorder. Here is the video of us finding out (and there is sound. Oh, yes, there is sound):

And the adventure begins. This is the first tree farm Luke and I went to, Butler's Orchard in Maryland. It was good to get out of the city and fun to see the different Christmas decorations at Butler's, but the trees were small, round and way too expensive. So we just walked around and picked up tree scraps to decorate the house with later.
This was one tree that Luke and I decided that we could afford.
It was really cold. But we were happy anyways.

A huge, cute hayman at Butler's Orchard.

Our final tree selection, which we believe is just as good (if not better) than any of the trees that were twice the price at Butler's.


Isn't it cute?


The decorating music of choice (I told you I was born in the wrong decade.)


The dinner of choice (with yummy alfredo sauce!)


And, of course, it was snowing. How picture perfect.


Luke putting the Christmas lights on the tree. Notice the cup. It will turn into an angel later in front of your very eyes.


The cup.


Voila!


She's not scared. She's singing. I think she's cute. Luke says "She's just not the kind of cute you want your kids to be..."


Pretty excited about Christmas.


Here are some glimpses from around our apartment.


The whole window.


The tree (without ornaments).



Our international advent wreath from Mom and Dad S. We will also one day have an international nativity scene, but we accidentally left it in Mebane, so it'll make it's first appearance in the Teater home next year.


Christmas tree scraps on the window sill (also in the picture above, and the picture below).


Candles and tree scraps on our wall unit.


The pink wall unit, for those of you who haven't seen it painted yet.


Our dresser with a cool live centerpiece from LL Bean.


So that's our home decorated for Christmas! It was some welcome cheer in a not so cheery week. But I'll write more about that later. Here, however, for your enjoyment, is my very favorite poem, probably ever (maybe...). It's called Christmas Bells. Way to go Henry Longfellow. And FYI, I'm posting the whole poem (including two omitted stanzas that aren't used in the song I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day) because I think the whole thing is relevant (and amazing).

I heard the bells on Christmas Day
Their old, familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet
The words repeat
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along
The unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Till, ringing, singing on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime,
A chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Then from each black, accursed mouth
The cannon thundered in the South,
And with the sound
The carols drowned
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

It was as if an earthquake rent
The hearth-stones of a continent,
And made forlorn
The households born
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

And in despair I bowed my head;
"There is no peace on earth," I said:
"For hate is strong,
And mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead; nor doth he sleep!
The Wrong shall fail,
The Right prevail,
With peace on earth, good-will to men!"

Merry Christmas! And may peace and goodwill to all reign in our hearts this season.

Broken Heat and Wishes for Snow.

I don't have much to say tonight. I don't know why I'm blogging...you won't find many deep thoughts here, just ramblings, my mind is tired.

Delilah is drifting through our tiny apartment. It's pretty amazing how many people call into her show...just wanting someone, anyone (including a perky radio host) to listen to what they are going through. Unfortunately for Delilah there is not a Christmas song to fit every caller's situation.

Speaking of, I love the comic Pearls Before Swine. This one pertains to the part about Delilah being "perky".



(You can check out more Pearls Before Swine here. I highly recommend it.)

Our apartment is incredibly cold, due to our heat not working. Last week our apartment got incredibly hot. The floors were hot--we think it was heat coming up from downstairs. This week we're freezing...maybe the people downstairs got hot too...Maybe we could just turn up our stove to it's 575 degree high. Unfortunately for us our apartment is not too cold for bugs, which have somehow infested our kitchen. Oh the joys of small apartment living in Northeast DC.

Sometimes Delilah gives bad advice.

We went home for Thanksgiving, which was fun. We ate lots of food (and we had the leftovers tonight...yum). The weekend consisted of a very short haircut (for me), Biscuitville with my sisters, playing "fetch" with Teddy (who, thanks to mom, is actually getting kind of good...well, better than he used to be, that's for sure), cutting down a Christmas tree in the mountains and over 17 hours of driving. We did give a talk at Mom and Dad T.'s Sunday School class. It went really well, and we had a good discussion.

I did a lot of Biblical justice and righteousness (um, same word in Hebrew and Greek, by the way) research before our talk on Sunday. I'm always amazed and comforted at how it is at the center of God's being. I'm still completely unaware of how to follow in those footsteps though...knowing I will never be able to do enough but yearning to do something and ever unsure how...

Speaking of, we had our "Thank you fellows" Polaris lunch today...the fellowship is almost over. I have no idea where I'm going from here...I guess that's not too big of a surprise, seeing as God tends to keep me in the dark about my life most of the time...I guess that's His style.

I started decorating for Christmas tonight. I'll post pictures later. Luke and I are trying to decide if we want to get a Christmas tree, even if we'll only have it for a couple of weeks before heading home. We both really want one...we'll see. Being a good steward is hard.

I don't really understand freedom very much. But I'm glad God uses analogies to compare our freedom from sins to a slave being set free. I think it shows how important freedom is to God. I think that's part of the reason why I want to be an abolitionist when I grow up...

I'm thinking of getting my Masters of Social Work and Law dual degree. The major problem with that is that I'm in love with Howard's MSW program...is it a complete shot in the dark to ask them to join their MSW and JD programs just for me?

There are lots of sirens in the city. I liked going home and to the mountains where I could breathe.

I love Luke a lot, but ultimetly what will make this marriage work is our ability to be patient with each other's quirks. Here's an example from when we went to get a Christmas tree:

I do love that man...even in a teal jacket and a camo hat with the flaps pulled down. And I'm thankful that he's patient with all of my crazy quirks too.

We got invited to a Christmas party where we have to memorize our favorite part of a Christmas movie. I think I'll memorize this (or another portion of the same movie):



I love Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye.

Or this...



I also love Jimmy Stewart.

I was born in the wrong decade. They don't make movies like those anymore, that's for sure.

I think that's all for me tonight. 'Til next time, I'll be dreaming of a white Christmas.