the judas in me

every so often while i'm working the overnight shift i hit a point where i get so tired that i cannot keep my eyes open. it's at that point i usually stand up and move around, and sometimes i'll even move the laptop to a high point on a desk or stack it up on some books so that i can stand up and work at the same time. usually it happens between 5:30 and 6:30.

tonight it happened at 3:45.

i haven't had any calls. no wait, i've had one call. a hang-up. what we call a "non-starter". i'm sorry, mr. chester, even though i decided that i would very much like to meet you over tea and discuss classical music, gardening tips and small dogs, not even your voice is getting me through tonight. i am yearning for human contact...

which brings me here. i have a list of things i need to get done tonight. especially if the call volume remains at nil. but for sanity's sake, writing a stream of conscious on this silly blog might be the best thing for me and for the person who relieves me from my shift in the morning.

every night when i'm on my shift i wear a green shirt that matches my eyes and coincidentally the bathroom wall. therefore, when i go into the bathroom for a various number of reasons and look in the mirror parts of me look like they are missing and simply blending in. i wish i was a chameleon. i think it would be pretty amazing.

i've been thinking a lot in my quiet times about how we are always supposed to praise God. i know that i wrote about this before, but it's been such an overwhelming and continuing theme for me i cannot get it off my mind. i really think that God is trying to speak to me...if only i could stay awake long enough to listen. every time it gets quiet in my heart i fall asleep. i read psalm 67 today, and again, it occurs. the only reason God blesses is so that they can praise Him. and they are lead to praise Him before He even blesses. this is so contrary to the way i have seen myself (and many, many others) react. instead of praising God whether or not we feel blessed, we wait for the blessing and then praise God. i know that i have a hard time praising God when i'm tired, sick, frustrated, etc. i want Him to bless me and then i will worship Him. but the more i think about it, the more i truly believe that the blessing is in the praise...

my little sister, Katie, is in Kenya for the summer. i'm exceedingly proud that she is there and i cannot wait for her to come home to tell me lots of stories. in an email today she wrote about how in Kenya the main goal of the church is to win people to Christ and then meet their physical needs. while i think that both are necessary, i think that i usually have them flipped around. while i think in the united states it is harder for us to openly share our faith before we have helped those in need, i wonder if this is backwards...wanting the blessing before the Blesser... shouldn't the goal be to welcome people into praising God first...isn't that the greatest gift of all?

sometimes i think that praying for the needy rather than giving them money is a cop-out. but maybe not praying for them is cheating them out of something far greater than money...

i'm not saying that i think we should stop meeting the needs of those around us. i'm just saying that maybe when the woman was anointing Jesus with the perfume and judas asked about giving the money to the poor, maybe Jesus referred to something much deeper when He said "the poor will always be with you, but you will not always have Me..." maybe Jesus was saying that right now is a beautiful moment. you are together with poor and rich, with those who believe and those who don't, and you are experiencing the ultimate experience of true love and praise...yes, the poor will always be with you*, but praise is the most important thing.

or maybe Jesus wasn't saying that at all.

though another things sticks out to me. i'm a whole lot like judas in this passage. thinking that money could have been used for better things. giving it to the poor to help someone eat...or even live (that stuff was expensive!) but what experiences to i miss out on because i am consumed with things of this world rather than with heavenly things. what experiences to i deny to others because of my savior-complex? i don't save. Jesus alone saves...praise God?

yes, of course! praise God! amen!

unfortunately i think i'm akin to judas in more ways than that...

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*though i also believe that while Jesus may be reminding us that praise is the most important thing, he's also reminding us of the passage in deuteronomy 15:11 which states "there will always be poor people in the land. therefore i command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land...". i do not think it's a coincidence...