wait, what did He say?

simon peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go?
You have the words of eternal life.
we believe and know that You are the Holy One of God."
-john 6:68-69

today i can almost hear the pressure of these words, and maybe even a hint of disappointment, in peter's voice as he answers Jesus' question: "are you going to leave me, too?'", as he realizes what he is saying--maybe even not until it was out of his mouth. as he realizes that he is pledging his life to this Man who peter knows is the Messiah, but who just told the crowd that in order to become One with Him they must essentially practice cannibalism (they did not yet understand what Jesus meant when He said "you must eat of Me, the Bread of Life" like we understand the symbolism today). i do not know if this is emotion that i am placing on simon peter this morning, or if he is reacting as i think he is. frustrated and confused at the teaching he has just heard, but sure that the Truth is standing before him, and that this Truth is the only Truth. angry that Jesus would say such things, but knowing that there was something more to it, that these upsetting word had the power of life that were worthy of death. i imagine the 12 standing in a line in front of the crowd as the crowd turns to leave--unable to find truth in what Jesus has just said. i imagine them looking behind them to see if they are alone, then looking at each other, wondering what the next move will be--if they should stay and be counted as crazy (or cannibals...imagine the rumors going around about this group...) or leave. the question is fresh in their minds when Jesus confronts them with it (just as He does so many times) and asks them to make a choice. when simon peter--impulsive, brash, simon peter--speaks up and says for the 12 "of course we're not going to leave you". and as he says this, i'm sure the 11 look at him, and then maybe it dawns on him, too, the implications of what he has just said. the knowledge that what he said is true, and the uncanny feeling that this now means everything and that their lives will never be the same. (i also imagine some of them checking one more time to make sure there was nobody left to hear this outrageous claim that they would all follow...). this morning i understand these feelings. confused at Jesus' teachings and what it means for me, but sure they are the Truth, and sure that if they are the Truth they are worth everything. even if i'm not sure what "everything" entails quite yet...welcome to an adventure.

it is well.

it's been a pretty crazy week.

busyness-wise, thoughtfulness-wise, struggling-wise...

for some reason i've been overwhelmed with thoughts recently. as luke and i begin to seriously look and pray about where God wants us to go abroad i have been suddenly overwhelmed with what i'm giving up. as many of my married friends look into stability, houses, pets and jobs, i am looking for slums, margins and countries. i've been overwhelmed with what it means to even be thinking about heading to a different country. about what it means to give my entire life over to God in a way that means trusting Him in a completely out-of-control kind of way, and asking (or some would say forcing...) my family to do the same.

i've been hit with the unexplainable desire for a job, a dog and a white picket fence these past couple of days. things that i thought i had come to terms with not having--or at least waiting for. but now that the goal timeline is set, the Perspectives class is in full motion and the prayers are becoming more focused, it seems like the battle is on as well.

all of these thoughts were swarming through my head as i got up early on tuesday morning to make cookies. after my quiet time i decided to spend the time cookie baking in prayer and singing hymns. and this is what i sang:

when peace like a river, attendeth my way,
when sorrows like sea billows roll;
whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
it is well, it is well, with my soul.

it is well, with my soul,
it is well, with my soul,
it is well, it is well, with my soul.

though satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control,
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and hath shed His own blood for my soul.

my sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
my sin, not in part but the whole,
is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
praise the Lord, praise the Lord, o my soul!

and Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
the clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
the trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
even so, it is well with my soul.

and while i have so many thoughts bursting through my mind and heart right now i will leave it as this--i long for this song to be the prayer i constantly pray --a prayer of longing, of contentment, of knowledge and of thanksgiving.

reflections and resolutions

what is it about january 1st that makes us feel like we are starting over new and that we can achieve new goals and dreams? i don't know, really. but i've always bought into it. and this year is no different. i know that most of the time my goals are lofty and usually they reflect more of an ideal me than something that is actually attainable in my own power. generally, therefore, i like to chose goals that make me depend on God to change me, but set up things i can do that i think will make the task easier for Him (ha!).

last year my goals were simple: i wanted to read through the Bible in a year and i wanted to take one picture a day.

as you know, the second one i finished last night. but the first one--the important one--was not so readily completed. in fact, as i sat this morning reading through the end of the old testament (yes, i only got through the OT...) i realized that something drastic needs to change in my life. i was looking at the "read through the Bible in a year" plan that i was using and noticed that (at most) i had a quiet time 3/4 of the time this year. and it isn't even really that, seeing as there were many, many days that i read two days readings on the same day. it is likely that i only had a quiet time for half of the days in 2009. which, unfortunately, is probably typical.

luke and i are thinking that this year will be the year we find an organization to go overseas with. in the process of preparing we've been doing some research and reading some books, such as new friars by scott bessenecker (who i've mentioned several times). in one of the chapters he talks about how in order to be effective (and even remotely worthwhile) on the mission field we must be more in love with the Sender than His mission. how can i know the Sender when i am obsessed, instead, with the mission. and how founded are my frustrations in feeling direction-less when i have not been seeking the One who will give me direction first and foremost?

so in this, i've been thinking about my resolutions for this year. i've decided, instead, on two themes: simplicity and humility. i'm not quite sure what these look like yet. i know that it will involve setting some boundaries on my time--making time first and foremost for God and His purposes; realizing that if He is worth anything, He is worth everything--no matter how scary, frustrating or exciting the journey may be. i want to write more letters (my goal is one a week) and remember more birthdays. i want to spend less time on the computer and more time reading and talking to luke and to friends and family. i want to take advantage of free things in DC and enjoy my surroundings. i want to be content in all my life circumstances, but restless and passionate in my relationship with God and what He wants for my life and for the lives of those who surround me.

and i want humility--to realize that i am not always right (and in fact, i am usually wrong). to realize that others deserve to be heard and given a chance--even if i want to write them off at first. and most importantly, to truly realize that i am always and only dependent on God.

the goal of simplicity and humility is not easy. boundaries and schedules are not, and have never been, my thing. but i feel confident that God is really going to help me grow in this. and i'll come out a stronger woman, more ready to be used by Him.

oh, and i'm also going to read nelson mandela's memoir--a long walk to freedom.

and as an added bonus, here are my 2009 favorites:

old testament prophet: micah
new musical group: the weepies
finished book: the brothers karamazov
rediscovered love: anne of green gables
timeless classic: bluegrass music

there are other favorites, but i'll leave you with that for now. happy 2010 everyone!