more.

"Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy."
Jesus looked at him and loved him.  "One thing you lack," he said.  "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.  Then, come, follow me."
At this the man's face fell.  He went away sad, because he had great wealth.

I read this passage this weekend.  After an incredibly long and exhausting week.  A week that left me wondering what the point of this life is.  In the past month I have had two clients pass away.  Two.  And it was sudden.  Unexpected.  And harsh.

The reality of it all is, I found out in my therapy session this week, is that I'm angry.  It is not fair.  And as I'm recovering from shock I find myself questioning why God has us on this planet.  I'm reconsidering my definition of "success", which currently is disturbingly close to what "success" means in the United States.  I would be lying if I said that there weren't more times than not this week when I wanted to lock myself in my room and hide under the bed until this world comes to an end.  Sometimes it just hurts too much.

In the midst of all of this I read the story of the rich young ruler.  I've heard numerous messages on this, and other passages in the Bible where the message is, "you just have to be willing to sell all your possessions, Jesus really doesn't want you to do it..." and my question has always been "why not?".  But I think this weekend I realized that both of these responses are wrong.

The point is that we're missing something.  Jesus didn't look at this young man and feel sarcasm, or anger, or frustration.  He didn't look at this young man and feel like saying something snarky or giving him an impossible task.  No, Jesus looked at him and loved him.

This wording has always stood out to me, because I never understood it.  This was Jesus offering something to this man, but certainly he knew that the man would not accept.  Why, then, did Jesus love this man, who would turn towards his earthly possessions and away from Jesus?

This week it hit me.  Jesus did love the man, so he wanted to offer him more to life than he was living.  More than the old law, more than what this earth had to offer, more life than the rich young ruler would be able to handle.  More.  More is offered here.  A relationship with the Son of God Himself.  More.

And I realized that when we say "of course Jesus doesn't want you to sell all your things" OR when we say "of course Jesus DOES want you to sell all your things" we're missing the point.  The point is FOLLOWING Jesus.  The point is not drawing lines.  The point is not trying to figure out what Jesus didn't mean, but rather accepting all that He does mean.

I find comfort and solace so often in things of this world.  But then when this world lets me down I wonder what the point of this life is.  But this is the point: whatever this world has to offer, Jesus has more. 

It makes me sad to realize what all I must be missing because I search for what God is NOT asking me to do, rather than what He is.  This is where the pharisees got it wrong, and where I think we get it wrong today, too.  Following Jesus doesn't always mean doing the hardest thing, or selling all we have, and sometimes it does, but what we fail to recognize is that whatever Jesus asks us to do it's worth it because He wants us to join Him, and He wants to offer us more. 

the anacostia

the anacostia river.  several months ago luke and i moved east of it.  to a place where no one in the "right" mind "wants" to live.  it's the place that has been described as the dumping ground for things that the city doesn't want in it's center--the mental hospital, several long-stay homeless shelters, the jail, section 8 housing and the power plant.   it's where a couple of years ago during all the snow, dc literally took snow from the streets of downtown and dumped it right here, east of the river.  but now we call it home.  and we love it here.

the anacostia river.  i walked across it on my way home last night.  i forgot my smartrip card, and so instead of paying $3.40 to get home by bus, i took a bus halfway home for $1.70 and walked the rest of the way.  over the anacostia at sunset.

God has always given me the mercy of using my direct surroundings to learn truths about Him and about myself, and last night was no different.  as i looked across the bridge at sunset, i realized that i am a lot like the anacostia river.  the river at sunset--this is how i want people to see me.  i want them to see someone who is graceful and peaceful and serene.  i want them to think i am lovely and beautiful.  i've been reading a lot about the enneagram this week.  i am a "2", a "people pleaser".  my goal is to make myself and others believe that i am loving and caring, selfless and kind.

in reality, the anacostia is quite polluted and dirty.  there is a lot of trash and the plants that touch the river on a regular basis are dirty and dying.  the river does not give life, it brings death.

this is how i feel that i am sometimes.  especially this week, i feel drained and tired and uncertain of what i should do.  so i'm crabby and angry.  i'm disillusioned and i do not bring life to people, i bring cynicism and death.  sometimes i nurse angry thoughts in my head, and often those thoughts spill out into gossip and angry words. inside i am not peaceful and serene.  when you get up close to me you realize that i am restless and wrestling with thoughts and actions--both those of myself and those around me.  on my worst days, the reasons i appear loving and caring is because i want something in return.  recognition or favors or love.  my worst fear is not being needed.  i am dirty.  like the anacostia when you get up close. 

but, as i crossed over the bridge and made my way into the park,  God reminded me that, just like the anacostia river, and the adjacent park east of it, i am still a work in progress.  i need to rely on Him and on others to help clean me up.  to point out things that are wrong with my thinking or my acting.  on my good days, i am enjoyed by many people.  i can bring joy to those around me.  and on my bad days i smell pretty bad.  but eventually i will be made clean, and by the grace of God i will be who He created me to be.

__________________________________________

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.  And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

-Philippians 1:3-11

________________________________________

february.

what? the last day of february is tomorrow? and i haven't posted at all in february? woah.

february was a whirlwind. it was peppered with celebration, disappointment, fasting and illness. these things combined to make an already short month fly by. so, here it is in pictures:

february started out, as it does every year, with my birthday. i turned 25, and celebrated with my husband, chipotle and an ice cream cake. it was lovely.

week two of february i was having a rough time, so i decided to fast from food and media for the week. during the week i studied lamentations and first john, and read practicing the presence of God by brother lawrence and sensing God by roger ferlo. i'm not really sure what i was hoping to achieve. prior to the week i had been feeling quite jumbled, agitated and distracted. i wanted to gain focus and so i tried to reach this goal by removing all barriers that i place between me and God. by the end of the week i was just tired and hungry. while i was able to focus more on praying, i had not been able to focus on listening. i was frustrated. so on sunday morning luke and i took a retreat of silence. during which i had an incredible moment of clarity, in which i realized that while i am unsure of where i am or what God has in store for me, i realized that He is doing something. the result of which was this collage (click to make bigger):

i think i realized that even though luke and i are wanting to go abroad at some point, right now God has us here. and while we are here, we need to be living. we need to be here, proclaiming hope, justice and love. so that is what we decided to do. we decided to move into an intentional community in SE DC, get more involved in our church, and i decided to get involved in the intervarsity project here called dc urban plunge. God also brought into my life a wonderful university of maryland student who i'm going to start meeting with once a week for discipleship.

week three of february was my mom's birthday, and so i traveled to north carolina to surprise her for her weekend celebration. on the way down to durham, megabus stops in richmond, so i hopped out with buke and took some pictures of downtown richmond, which (in my opinion) is great for photographing.

the surprise was a success! my mom had no idea i was coming (especially since i called her from the bus to throw her off) and we had a good weekend. except i got sick. which, while it made the weekend a little bit pitiful, did not ruin it completely, but rather (i thought) helped us slow down and just enjoy each others' company. and i was still able to accompany my mom and sisters on my mom's birthday shopping trip. while i was in nc celebrating my mom's birthday, luke flew to louisville and picked up a car from luke's grandma. she was nice enough to give us her car, since she is no longer using it. luke swung by nc and picked me up, and now we have a car for the first time in over a year. and, while we know we don't need it and don't plan on using it as much as we used otto, it sure is nice to go to the grocery store without lugging all our groceries on the bus!

while in nc i got a new jacket with an old navy gift certificate from my sisters! for which this week has provided the perfect weather.

this weekend, luke--aka my little blind mole (face pictured directly below)--got lasik eye surgery.

(blind baby mole face)

(during the surgery)

(successful surgery!)

(and now for the next two weeks he has to wear these weird goggle eye-protector things while he sleeps, but he's no longer a blind baby mole)

this weekend we also found out that the house we were planning on moving into is being sold. while we will still be joining the group of people who live there, it will be in a different house, and the time is now uncertain. i've also had a couple of other upsets this week, which have all left me feeling very unsettled and frustrated. because i feel like luke and i have really been seeking to follow God--but we're just uncertain now. i'm really learning how to hold plans lightly, allow God to work and follow Him into uncertainty. today i spent a long time debating with God, telling Him my frustrations, fears and just complaining to Him. while i know that this season can only last for a short while, i've always found it helpful to give myself at least a morning to hash it all out with God--positive or negative. today's session produced this collage:


which is completely different than my collage at the beginning of the month. this one is not as positive, and poses a question to me: do i really believe that better is one day in the courts of my Lord than a thousand elsewhere? herein lies the question that i am seeking to answer right now. and until i answer this question affirmatively, i think i will be stuck in uncertainty. but i do know that when i finally have the courage to face this question and truthfully answer that yes, i do believe that, things will fall in place in my heart (even if they literally stay the same as they are now).

this afternoon luke and i (and my adventure pants!) explored rock creek park a little bit more:

we climbed.

we balanced.

and jumped.

we adventured.

we smiled.

and i practiced taking artsy pictures.

speaking of, here is a technique of the week. shutter speed and water:
changing the shutter speed when taking pictures of water can give the water more of a flowing feeling. here is what it looks like at a normal shutter speed:

(shutter speed 1/80--meaning the shutter is open for 1/80th of a second, and f/7.1)

here is the same pictures with a slower shutter speed:
(shutter speed .8--meaning shutter stays open for .8 seconds, and f/29)

this is a different spot, but my favorite picture:
(shutter speed .6, f/29)

pretty cool, huh?

we also used our new found car freedom to venture into maryland to a bojangles. YUM!

i'm really lucky (lukey?) to have luke. i know i say this a lot, but it's because it's so true. he knows me really well, and i like that we can adventure together while having serious discussions about struggling with God, and what life is supposed to look like. he can speak to me with great wisdom and insight on a level that shows me that he understands and cares what's going on. God really blessed me with him. He knew what i would need, and He gave me luke to be a fellow adventurer, listener and partner (in crime and otherwise).

so there you have it. february in one past with a little bit of everything--pictures, God stuff, and technique of the week. and here's a little bit of onion humor to wrap it up:

Pants Attempt To Convey What Owner Can't

happy (almost) march everyone!

transition, waiting and a few resolutions

i like airports. i think it's the state of transition that they put me in. i noticed this while we were coming back from colorado. i felt comfortable there. i did not really want to leave once i got there. maybe it's because recently i have not felt like i belong most places. i feel stuck in transition. and so that is where i long to be--literally in transition. i have overwhelming desires to go somewhere. not anywhere specific...just somewhere. i would like to get into a car and just go. unaware--and actually kind of afraid of--a final destination. this is who i am right now.

i was trying to figure out a way to start this blog post--the first real post of 2011--without sounding so depressing. for example, i am eating string cheese and i like it a lot. so a possible beginning would be "i like string cheese". but let's be honest here. lay it all out on the table. i sound depressed because i am. clinically. well, probably. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

i shudder a bit--seeing how easy it was to just put that out there (okay, so it wasn't that easy. i posted it, took it down, posted it again, took it down and had luke read it before i posted it again...). especially because if i were to tell you that face-to-face it would be a lot harder. and so maybe i shouldn't have put it down. but, if you were to ask me face-to-face about it, i would tell you. and talk to you honestly about it. so, why not.

so now, you may ask, if you're being so honest, why is your blog title still "with joy". good question. i thought about changing it. i have this awesome picture i took of a cool mirror while we were in colorado. since it was of a mirror, i, of course am in the picture. i thought about making that my header and naming this blog "reflections". but instead, i continued on with the current theme "with joy". and i think it's because even though i'm not feeling a whole lot of joy right now, i'm learning a whole lot about joy. and there is still a longing in me for the promise of isaiah to be fulfilled when he says that we will go out with joy. and i think as long as i have that longing, there is hope for me yet.

so, back to transition. even though i am comfortable in transition i am bad at waiting. while at first that may seem like an oxymoron, when i think about it further, it is not. waiting means being still. transition means going forward (or backward, but going). while i'm sitting here in my apartment i am waiting. when i am on the bus i am in transition. while sometimes transition involves waiting, and usually waiting involves some kind of transition, the two are not interchangeable. i spend my time waiting wondering what God is doing. why He is not using the talents that He gave me to do something bigger or better. trying to figure it out--like God is playing some kind of game with me. and if i think about it hard enough i will figure it out and win. and then God will do something good for me.

what i neglect to realize is that sometimes God just wants us to wait. and sometimes we may not know why. i've been reading acts in january, and today i was reading about paul (who is kind of growing on me as i read stories about him...) and about his mishap in jerusalem, getting arrested, the pharisees and sadduces wanting to kill him, so he is sent to caesarea where he appears in front of felix. paul is able to give his testimony, but there is not word about where felix had a grand conversion, or if he even recognized Jesus as his Savior and changed his ways. no, all it says is that paul was in prison for two years and felix left him there. now, i haven't finished the story yet, i don't know if some great miracle explains why he had to be there for two years. my guess is...well, i don't have one. the thing is, paul could have probably been using his talents in a much grander way. but for some reason God wanted him to be in that prison. otherwise He would have broken him out with an angel, or an earthquake. it had been done before. but paul waited in prison for (at least) two years. sometimes God wants us to wait.

and so, that brings me to my 2011 new year's resolutions/goals whatever you would like to call them. i know, it's one third of the way through january, but here they are:

• embrace the moments of waiting and stillness and quiet. to not fill up all of my time with noise, music, netflix, hulu, you name it. to let myself have full days without turning on something that makes noise. and to rest in it.
• keep the internet off until i have had real intentional time with God.
• memorize (at least) one Bible verse a week.
• be intentional in the way i spend my time--specifically limiting the time i spend wandering the internet mindlessly.
• go easier on myself--learn my boundaries and stick to them, to not assess and reassess every little thing i do (that is so self-absorbed!)
• read (at least) one book a month
• don't compare myself to others (as one of my favorite writings says "there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself")
• submit (at least) one photo to a photobuyer
• remember birthdays and celebrate them in some way (card, email, phone call--facebook does not count this year)
• use my calendar to better keep track of everything (stemming from the above resolution...)
• listen to my body, heart and mind more. and be okay with what they are saying.
• regularly donate blood again.
• blog (at least) once a week
• start to learn hindi
• cook at least one vegetarian meal a week. and experiment with spices.
  
• tell the truth--not that i habitually lie BIG lies now--but you know, being honest. not saying "your hair looks cute" when really, it doesn't. and not saying "i don't care" when really i do.
  

i tried to make my goals attainable this year. they aren't too big, but they are all things that i would like to or need to do. they don't include things like "lose weight" because, honestly, i say that every year and every year i fail. instead, i want to become a more whole person. i don't know if that is a measurable goal. but here we go.

happy 2011 everyone.

living.

judge me not, ye naysayers of everything christmas pre-thanksgiving. tuesday i received some less than awesome news, and promptly walked home from dc central kitchen and strung up twinkle-lights haphazardly through our kitchen, turned off all the lights in our apartment, and did the dishes by christmas-light. i needed something happy.

this was a really hard week. and i've had a headache for most of it. today i was supposed to do my last run before the 10k on saturday morning, but instead i came home with a pounding headache and proceeded to drink hot chocolate with mini marshmallows--filling the cup with marshmallows as i drank the hot chocolate down, to the point where i'm pretty sure there were more marshmallows in the cup than hot chocolate. and i watched 30 rock. and ate wheat thins.

i will probably regret this decision on saturday morning.

last friday we were asked by the international director of servants if we would consider taking all of 2011 as a "preparation year" for going abroad, and postpone our moving until early 2012. honestly, this didn't really come as a shock to me. in fact, after orientation, i wasn't really sure that i would be ready to go "as soon as possible" like luke and i had originally wanted. but hearing somebody else ask me to do it frustrated me. i feel stuck and unsure and purposeless. and, honestly, pretty hopeless and useless. i don't really understand what God has going for me at this point, or why He wants me here. what is taking so long in getting this process moving, and why, in the mean time, i haven't been able to land a job here. i'm tired and weary and restless.

i am currently reading two books right now--the practice of the presence of God by brother lawrence, and the city of joy by dominique lapierre. tuesday morning i read from both of these books an idea that struck me right in the heart.

that what i do should be solely for God and not for anything else.

i know that this idea does not seem that revolutionary. but consider brother lawrence's words on the subject:

i engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and i have endeavored to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether i be lost or saved, i will always continue to act purely for the love of God. i shall have this good at least, that till death i shall have done all that is in me to love Him.

i realized as i read this, and as i read the prayer of a young priest in the slums of kolkata in the book city of joy which simply stated "Lord, i am here for You, not for me, not for others, but for You", that at present, i am not living only for the love of God. i am loving God for the religious life, for the benefits of not feeling frustrated, purposeless, etc. i want to go abroad in part for God, but in part for myself, and in part for others.

you see, our obedience to God (if we are Christians) should not be a means to an end. it should be an end in itself. and i don't treat it as such. i love God for what He can give me, rather than for what He has already given me. how many of us are christians so that we will go to heaven, rather than so we can obey God and help bring heaven to earth? how many of us follow God so that He will give us healing and grace, rather than loving God and allowing Him to heal and give grace through us? i know that i often strive to figure out what God wants from me--not because i love Him, but because i think that unless i figure out the perfect way to serve Him i will be unhappy and He will not bless me.

do i have the courage to love God simply (and yet, so complex...) because He is God? moreover, do i have the courage to endeavor to act only for Him?

so, yes, it was a hard week. and though i have come out of it feeling pretty beat up, i enter into this with praise, weak as it may be. for there is a Redeemer who loves me. and He is teaching me to serve Him for the sole reason that there is no response to perfect love other than love. and when we live out of love, there is no turning back.

Lessons from Leaves

There. Now isn't this color scheme a little bit easier on the eyes? I was getting a little bit tired of the darkness.

Moving along.

I've always been a fall kind of gal. I thoroughly enjoy the weather changing from hot summer to crisp cool. Pumpkin everything brings joy to my life (for real. pumpkin. everything. soup, lattes, donuts, pancakes, you name it.). And I am dazzled by the changing colors of leaves.

While in Vancouver I took some really great photographs (click the bold to go to albums) of some stunning leaves, and last night Luke and I took a walk around the graveyard for some more picture taking time (I married a good, good man). While leaves are changing they turn from dark green to brilliant reds, oranges and golds. Sometimes I forget as a snap shots of these leaves, or just as I walk under trees, completely engrossed by their colors, that these leaves are dying, and while this will give way to new life, it is in their death that (at least to me) they become the most beautiful.




One of the other Servant's Orientees shared with us on the last night of Orientation that this is what God asks us to do.
All through the Bible it talks about dying to self, taking up our cross and completely surrendering our everything to Christ. We are invited time after time through Paul's epistles to join with Christ in His death, in order to enter into new life. And it is through this surrender--through this death--that we enter into our most stunning phase--we are completely filled with the glory of God, in order to dazzle the world with His love.

So there is a quick thought as this October--glorious and blurry--comes to a close for me. And my prayer is that I, and all of us, would be willing to die, so that Christ may turn us deep shades of red, oranges and golds, so that we may dazzle our homes, neighborhoods, cities, countries and even the world, with His love.

(Remember, you can click on the pictures to make them larger, and you can click on the above links to see more Vancouver pictures!)

living in harmony.

i've had several thoughts in my head for quite some time now. thoughts like how after reading this article i do not want to ever just simply pass by a musician on the metro. and how the other day while i was waiting for luke to go to the baseball game, there was a pretty amazing sax player jamming out and a girl just stood there, ipod in her ears, rather than participating in the community around her. and how that made me sad.

i've been thinking about love a lot recently. i've been thinking about what it looks like to really love. there are some days when i love people who i choose to surround myself very well. i feel like i can go down the little checklist of 1 corinthians 13 and say, "patient, kind, thoughtful...check, check, check...yes, i know how to love." however, just when i'm feeling pretty good about my capacity to love the people i choose to love, God hits me with a healthy dose of humility. and i thought i'd share that humility with you today.

romans. i've been stuck in romans for the last couple of weeks. wonderful, challenging, and sometimes frustrating romans. while my feelings for paul have always been mixed ones, my feelings for romans never waiver. i. love. this. book. every ridiculously challenging word. and this week, dealing with my borderline personality friend and her husband, hearing some of the things going on down at the glenn beck and sarah palin rally, and with my head swirling with thoughts about freedom of religion and how it pertains to the community center/mosque in nyc, i needed to be reminded of paul's words on love in romans. if nothing else, but to remind me that love is not a checklist, nor is it picking a choosing who i get to love. love is all the time, everybody, joyful action. and, on top of it all, love must be sincere...which means, no checklist (12:9).

after attending a remembrance ceremony for martin luther king jr. yesterday, some friends and i went down to look at the glenn beck rally. i admit, we did not go with the best of intentions. we were curious, and probably not in a good way. but we were a little bit dismayed at the number of christians who came out to support this man who thinks that social justice has no place in the church. frustrated after the rally i opened my bible to romans for a quick quiet time--and bam. paul was talking about unity (i told you, humbled. all the time.) for the remainder of my quiet time i struggled with romans 15:5-7 what does it mean to be unified with the people excited about glenn beck. and are they even christians if they don't believe that social justice in important, when part of Jesus' very essence was welcoming the outcast and the marginalized? i voiced my question to luke: do i really have to be unified with "those" people? and luke's reply...well, if they are christians, then yes, and if they are enemies, we are called to love them.

live in harmony with one another. do not be proud. do not be conceited. these are the rules we are called to live by. that is what love is.

there are more thoughts that will probably come out this week pertaining to this subject, especially to verses 18 and 21. but this blog is already long enough. and i've confessed enough of my bias and frustration for now. what about you? who do you struggle to love and be unified with?

peace

just in from kentucky, where we laughed, visited and slept in ac.

i went running both mornings while we were there. in the cool weather i went far and long (well, for me, that is). and as i was running i thought about peace. and how, running through the neighborhoods and seeing people out with dogs, picking weeds and getting the newspapers, where i could hear birds chirping and see bunnies hopping as the sun glistened off the dew drops on the grass: yes, it is peaceful there.

fast forward to last night, walking home. we stopped at the garden to water our increasingly large pumpkin and squash plants, and to check up on our still puny green beans. we walked through our street and came upon our friend clinton.

"where are you coming from?"
"we're just getting back from kentucky."
"oh, kentucky! i've never been to kentucky before. what's it like?" he smiled his almost toothless grin. "is it like here? all built up like around here?"
"the part that we were in was, but kentucky is a big state."
"oh, maybe next time you can bring me back a picture...like of a building or a restaurant or something. that would be nice..."

we promised him a picture, said our goodbyes and walked towards our apartment. up the stairs and into the stillness and heat. we briefly discussed if we should leave the blinds down and windows closed and decided it was too stuffy not to open up to the world. and as we settled back into the norm with frozen pizza and some scrubs episodes, and as night fell onto our neighborhood and the sounds and smells of the night returned, i realized something: that this is peaceful, too.

some verses i meditated on while i was in kentucky are found in philippians 4. the first, verses 4-8, are the verses i had my kids memorize in sunday school. about rejoicing in the Lord always, and meditating on good and true things. the second part is further down, in verses 12 and 13. almost everyone knows verse 13. athletes quote it as their favorite verse, and people use it to get through earthly trials and tribulations. "i can do everything through Him who gives me strength." but people seldom know what paul is talking about here. and that is found in verse 12: "i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...i can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

our contentedness and peace should not be found in our surroundings, in our situations, or in our worldly comfort. no, it should be found solely in the One who gives us strength.

"And He will be their peace."
Micah 5:5

being real.

so i've been thinking a lot lately about blogs and facebook and life in general and how we portray ourselves. really, how i portray myself. how i don't want pictures tagged of me if i look gross, how i blog about gardening and cooking and how i like eating fresh strawberries on hot summer days. how if people ask me what i do (a question which i hate, now that i'm unemployed) i tell them that i garden, i try to run, and i babysit.

we were talking about what honesty might look like for the church in small group recently (it actually came up a couple of times while reading the great divorce by c.s. lewis). how when someone asks me what i do, i should really say how i often get frustrated with life, angry with others and how sometimes i yell at my husband, despite how much i love him. because, honestly, these things are much more likely to happen than me eating strawberries on a hot summer day (unfortunately).

so here is my attempt at being real. and it's pretty embarrassing.

this morning i was having my quiet time and i read luke 6:20-26. you know, the part where Jesus is like "blessed are the poor and the hungry, and woe to the rich and to the satisfied". i mean, those are some really convicting words. or at least they should be. but for me, this morning, for whatever reason, they weren't. rather i read them and was like "piece of cake, i got this down...man, i feel sorry for all these rich american christians who AREN'T going to live in a slum..." can we say incredibly smug and self-righteous? go ahead, say it. because it's true.

well, Jesus saw me coming from a mile (and some 2000 years) away because i continued to read through the chapter and not even 15 verses later, in luke 6:37-42 Jesus says the famous, "why look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye when you have a ridiculously large plank in your own eye" (italics, mine). and at this point i felt incredibly convicted that we are rich, too. we are satisfied. i have never been hungry, except by choice. and all of these things.

i've been having a hard time staying awake for my quiet times lately, so i decided to go running to think this through. as i was dying in the heat and trying to beat my running time from yesterday (i don't know why i do that to myself...) i realized that i have thought/felt/been every emotion about my calling to the urban poor than what i should be. grateful. i've felt frustrated, angry, jealous, self-righteous, unworthy, unable, you name it. but i have barely, if ever, sat down and actually thanked God that He has called me to live among the urban poor abroad. and that's what i should be doing all along. this is not a choice i have made, this is something i am called to, a blessing i have been given. i am so lucky, because i get to spend at least the next three years among the urban poor of asia, living with them, learning from them and serving amongst them. i am so privileged! and not because i earned it, or because i'm able, or because God wants to deny me the comforts of living the "american dream" but rather because He called me and He is allowing me the great privilege of being used by Him.

so that's what i need to strive for. being grateful and being honest. i'm not quite sure what this will look like...

____________________________________

on another note, i may be a horrible person, but this makes me laugh.

additionally, at small group, discussing how to best care for yourself and the difference between being self-caring and selfish, this comment was made:

N: i wonder what people like mother theresa and martin luther king, jr. did to relax and be self-loving. i mean, they weren't always doing great things...
M: shane claiborne is in town this week, you should ask him what mother theresa did, since he met her.
N: i bet she was like "shane, you, me, 5 hour law and order marathon."

and, one last, unrelated, thought: has general mcchrystal ever seen almost famous? because maybe he should have before speaking with rolling stone. he might have avoided this whole mess.

________________________________________

now, if you excuse me, i must go remove this plank.

(parentheses)

today was a beautiful day. it was windy and sunny and warm. it was a day where the air flowed so freely through our open windows that it didn't even matter that we don't have air conditioning.
i spent the beautiful day in the garden where the sky was blue and the dirt was brown and the plants were green. all of the plants. including the blanket of weeds that covered the garden. how is it that weeds are having no problem springing up everywhere, and yet my green beans are refusing to sprout? on a happy note, though, i do love the smell of hay. even if it doesn't help with the weeds as much as i thought it would (read: it doesn't help at all).


time in the garden is usually spent thinking. today i spent it both thinking and listening to npr. i've been restless lately. as if given the chance i could sprout wings and fly somewhere and be perfectly ready to adjust and live my life. HA. i keep saying that i can't wait to go abroad, to live in a slum where i will be forced to be dependent on God every day for everything. but today i was thinking about how God is really forcing me (emotionally) to depend on Him NOW. i need to remember that i am in desperate need of God always. and that i'm in dc right now because He still has things for me here (like learning to depend on Him, maybe?) and lots of other things too.

like whitney! whitney is here for the summer! and other friends and sister friends are visiting!

and i do love downtown dc in the night, the monuments are incredibly beautiful at night (we need to go downtown at night more).


and i have so many opportunities to serve and love the community around me here and now! and i have a billion more beautiful sunsets to witness from our bedroom window!


God is slowly teaching me to embrace this time of waiting (why is He always trying to teach me patience and why will my stubborn self never learn it?). this time of transition...i'll keep you updated. (i guess i didn't have much to say, i just realized it was halfway through june already...when did that happen?)


(this is just a picture of my weirdo husband. i don't know why, but i am still in love with him.)

i've used a lot of parentheses in this post.