the plan, originally, was to do a picture post tonight. i'm far behind and i need to catch up. but we all know how i get along with plans, and tonight i have some thoughts that i need to work out, and i tend to do that best on my blog. hopefully you will forgive me if my thoughts are jumbled and incoherent.
lately there has been a feeling in my heart that i can't describe. it feels as if i am suffocating...as if this city is slowly suffocating me. or i blame it on the city...but it's possible that it isn't the city at all. and rather it's that there is something missing...
i've been off track recently--spinning out of control. it's like i've lost my focus and my purpose. but the funny thing is, i wasn't ever truly aware that i had one to begin with.
sitting down to do the budget yesterday i looked back at our past couple months expenses and realized that we gave more money when we were struggling to get by. when luke and i were making barely more money than our rent, we were more open to giving it away.
last fall when i was doing my unpaid internship i hardly dreamed of going to starbucks. last week i went twice. TWICE! and while that may not be a big deal in the long run (and really, i'm sure it is not), the big deal is that on my way to and from i avoided eye contact with a number of men and women in my community who are in need of housing (including at least one who i knew, quite well). i don't know why i did this...maybe because i was ashamed that i was carrying a $3.85 cup of coffee...
see, i blame this feeling inside of me on the city. i say that the city is suffocating me, or squishing me. that i don't belong here, that i just need to escape for awhile. but maybe, really, i need to just get back on track. maybe i need to regain my footing. repent and slowly move back together to walk with God...to speak His words and pour out His love...
today we were in the college small group, and we read this passage (luke 17:10). it struck me because it says that even if i am doing all that Jesus asks of me, i am still an unworthy servant, in need of grace. and right now, i'm not even doing that...i'm less than an unworthy servant. but still in need of grace.
i don't say all of this because i'm beating up on myself. in fact, i think that it might be one way that i can see God growing me. i don't think that in this i have become worthless because i have fallen and need to (once again) be picked up. rather i just long to start over again, to be made new again, to repent again and accept grace again. and to start to be and do what i was made to be an do (whether or not i realize it). and that's the beauty of it all. that we get second (and third and fourth...etc...) chances.
the passage also reminds me that nothing that i have is my own. when i am selfish, whether it be with my money, my time...my life...it is with things that i do not even own. and when i do something that is commendable, it is not me who deserves the glory, it is Him. for His power is made perfect in weakness, and since His power is always perfect, i must be perpetually weak.
life is so beautifully complicated. i want to learn to embrace that.
ps. the guys next door, who are usually loud and fighting and arguing and playing video games, are watching (what sounds like) babar. and it makes me laugh.
1 comment:
betsey, i really resonate with this post...on several levels. the first of which being that i, too, have spent $4 on lattes this weekend, twice. it makes me squirm.
i also have been a bit off track, though i actually had some really good time with God just this morning after church. i think my danger will be "oh, i'm in seminary, of course i'm good with God." and i, too, am the unworthy servant in all respects.
i really want to talk to you soon. i miss you so much! i'll try to call this week.
ps--can you give my blog a makeover? you're so good at design!
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