barefoot in the rain.

today, as i left a vbs meeting after church and walked to the bus, i got caught in a downpour. at first, i was hoping it would let up. but as i continued to walk towards the bus, and as my shoes got increasingly harder to walk in, i slipped them off and walked barefoot. as i did that i thought about how, as a child, one of my favorite summer activities was changing into a bathing suit and running around barefoot in the rain. as i thought about those memories i gradually stopped fighting the rain, lifted my head and felt the cool drops on my cheeks and the puddles on my feet. walking through the streets calmly and happily while the world around me ran for cover. i still like playing in the rain...

in an effort to be real with my readers (and since i'm pretty sure all of you are family and friends) i will tell you this: i have been having a very hard time with self-worth lately. in an effort to preserve boundaries (and force me to seek out real relationship rather than simply confessing to my blog), i will spare you the messy details, but i will say that this is something that i've struggled with off and on since childhood, and it is something that i am not quite sure where it came from (i.e. my parents never made me feel worthless). i recently met with kristen (who was visiting dc) and she encouraged me to begin to ask God what He thinks of me instead of only listening to what i think of me.

i was thinking about this on the way home on the bus today, after walking through the rain. and the desire came upon me to be fully known by God, which is a desire that i have rarely felt, probably because i generally do not want God to know the bad parts of me (as if i can hide them...). and as i thought about this i thought about 1 corinthians 13, specifically verses 8-12, which read:

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

i have always loved these verses, but i never quite know what they mean. they always seem kind of random, like paul maybe got sidetracked and forgot what he was talking about. but today, i read them differently. especially the part that reads "now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. now i know in part; then i shall know fully, even as i am fully known."

today, i read this in the context of the rest of the chapter. in the context of love. i think that perhaps paul is saying that now we see but a poor reflection of love, as in a mirror. i believe that our total ability for love comes from God, because God is love, and because love is good and all good things come from God. but because we are humans, this view is skewed. we poorly reflect God's love, because God's love is perfect, and our love is not. but one day we will see face-to-face what real love looks like. now, we only know in part who we are. but then we shall know fully, as we see God and we see ourselves reflect His glory. the good and the bad will be revealed. i long to know fully...and to be fully known.

i'm still a little bit confused as to the child part. i have some ideas, but today all i could think of was how it's a shame that as i've grown into an adult i've held onto the tendency towards feeling worthless rather than the desire to go play barefoot in the rain...