living.

judge me not, ye naysayers of everything christmas pre-thanksgiving. tuesday i received some less than awesome news, and promptly walked home from dc central kitchen and strung up twinkle-lights haphazardly through our kitchen, turned off all the lights in our apartment, and did the dishes by christmas-light. i needed something happy.

this was a really hard week. and i've had a headache for most of it. today i was supposed to do my last run before the 10k on saturday morning, but instead i came home with a pounding headache and proceeded to drink hot chocolate with mini marshmallows--filling the cup with marshmallows as i drank the hot chocolate down, to the point where i'm pretty sure there were more marshmallows in the cup than hot chocolate. and i watched 30 rock. and ate wheat thins.

i will probably regret this decision on saturday morning.

last friday we were asked by the international director of servants if we would consider taking all of 2011 as a "preparation year" for going abroad, and postpone our moving until early 2012. honestly, this didn't really come as a shock to me. in fact, after orientation, i wasn't really sure that i would be ready to go "as soon as possible" like luke and i had originally wanted. but hearing somebody else ask me to do it frustrated me. i feel stuck and unsure and purposeless. and, honestly, pretty hopeless and useless. i don't really understand what God has going for me at this point, or why He wants me here. what is taking so long in getting this process moving, and why, in the mean time, i haven't been able to land a job here. i'm tired and weary and restless.

i am currently reading two books right now--the practice of the presence of God by brother lawrence, and the city of joy by dominique lapierre. tuesday morning i read from both of these books an idea that struck me right in the heart.

that what i do should be solely for God and not for anything else.

i know that this idea does not seem that revolutionary. but consider brother lawrence's words on the subject:

i engaged in a religious life only for the love of God, and i have endeavored to act only for Him; whatever becomes of me, whether i be lost or saved, i will always continue to act purely for the love of God. i shall have this good at least, that till death i shall have done all that is in me to love Him.

i realized as i read this, and as i read the prayer of a young priest in the slums of kolkata in the book city of joy which simply stated "Lord, i am here for You, not for me, not for others, but for You", that at present, i am not living only for the love of God. i am loving God for the religious life, for the benefits of not feeling frustrated, purposeless, etc. i want to go abroad in part for God, but in part for myself, and in part for others.

you see, our obedience to God (if we are Christians) should not be a means to an end. it should be an end in itself. and i don't treat it as such. i love God for what He can give me, rather than for what He has already given me. how many of us are christians so that we will go to heaven, rather than so we can obey God and help bring heaven to earth? how many of us follow God so that He will give us healing and grace, rather than loving God and allowing Him to heal and give grace through us? i know that i often strive to figure out what God wants from me--not because i love Him, but because i think that unless i figure out the perfect way to serve Him i will be unhappy and He will not bless me.

do i have the courage to love God simply (and yet, so complex...) because He is God? moreover, do i have the courage to endeavor to act only for Him?

so, yes, it was a hard week. and though i have come out of it feeling pretty beat up, i enter into this with praise, weak as it may be. for there is a Redeemer who loves me. and He is teaching me to serve Him for the sole reason that there is no response to perfect love other than love. and when we live out of love, there is no turning back.