the anacostia river. several months ago luke and i moved east of it. to a place where no one in the "right" mind "wants" to live. it's the place that has been described as the dumping ground for things that the city doesn't want in it's center--the mental hospital, several long-stay homeless shelters, the jail, section 8 housing and the power plant. it's where a couple of years ago during all the snow, dc literally took snow from the streets of downtown and dumped it right here, east of the river. but now we call it home. and we love it here.
the anacostia river. i walked across it on my way home last night. i forgot my smartrip card, and so instead of paying $3.40 to get home by bus, i took a bus halfway home for $1.70 and walked the rest of the way. over the anacostia at sunset.
God has always given me the mercy of using my direct surroundings to learn truths about Him and about myself, and last night was no different. as i looked across the bridge at sunset, i realized that i am a lot like the anacostia river. the river at sunset--this is how i want people to see me. i want them to see someone who is graceful and peaceful and serene. i want them to think i am lovely and beautiful. i've been reading a lot about the enneagram this week. i am a "2", a "people pleaser". my goal is to make myself and others believe that i am loving and caring, selfless and kind.
in reality, the anacostia is quite polluted and dirty. there is a lot of trash and the plants that touch the river on a regular basis are dirty and dying. the river does not give life, it brings death.
this is how i feel that i am sometimes. especially this week, i feel drained and tired and uncertain of what i should do. so i'm crabby and angry. i'm disillusioned and i do not bring life to people, i bring cynicism and death. sometimes i nurse angry thoughts in my head, and often those thoughts spill out into gossip and angry words. inside i am not peaceful and serene. when you get up close to me you realize that i am restless and wrestling with thoughts and actions--both those of myself and those around me. on my worst days, the reasons i appear loving and caring is because i want something in return. recognition or favors or love. my worst fear is not being needed. i am dirty. like the anacostia when you get up close.
but, as i crossed over the bridge and made my way into the park, God reminded me that, just like the anacostia river, and the adjacent park east of it, i am still a work in progress. i need to rely on Him and on others to help clean me up. to point out things that are wrong with my thinking or my acting. on my good days, i am enjoyed by many people. i can bring joy to those around me. and on my bad days i smell pretty bad. but eventually i will be made clean, and by the grace of God i will be who He created me to be.
the anacostia river. i walked across it on my way home last night. i forgot my smartrip card, and so instead of paying $3.40 to get home by bus, i took a bus halfway home for $1.70 and walked the rest of the way. over the anacostia at sunset.
God has always given me the mercy of using my direct surroundings to learn truths about Him and about myself, and last night was no different. as i looked across the bridge at sunset, i realized that i am a lot like the anacostia river. the river at sunset--this is how i want people to see me. i want them to see someone who is graceful and peaceful and serene. i want them to think i am lovely and beautiful. i've been reading a lot about the enneagram this week. i am a "2", a "people pleaser". my goal is to make myself and others believe that i am loving and caring, selfless and kind.
in reality, the anacostia is quite polluted and dirty. there is a lot of trash and the plants that touch the river on a regular basis are dirty and dying. the river does not give life, it brings death.
this is how i feel that i am sometimes. especially this week, i feel drained and tired and uncertain of what i should do. so i'm crabby and angry. i'm disillusioned and i do not bring life to people, i bring cynicism and death. sometimes i nurse angry thoughts in my head, and often those thoughts spill out into gossip and angry words. inside i am not peaceful and serene. when you get up close to me you realize that i am restless and wrestling with thoughts and actions--both those of myself and those around me. on my worst days, the reasons i appear loving and caring is because i want something in return. recognition or favors or love. my worst fear is not being needed. i am dirty. like the anacostia when you get up close.
but, as i crossed over the bridge and made my way into the park, God reminded me that, just like the anacostia river, and the adjacent park east of it, i am still a work in progress. i need to rely on Him and on others to help clean me up. to point out things that are wrong with my thinking or my acting. on my good days, i am enjoyed by many people. i can bring joy to those around me. and on my bad days i smell pretty bad. but eventually i will be made clean, and by the grace of God i will be who He created me to be.
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"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you
in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the
gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus. And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."
-Philippians 1:3-11
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1 comment:
what a delightful personality test! i'm a two as well. with four leanings
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