a letter

Dear Joseph,

The base of your tree was empty this morning, and the sun filtered through the colorful leaves.  It was a pretty quiet morning, and as I walked by I thought that you probably would have been able to chat with me for a bit without getting too distracted.

I don't know if it's okay that I'm writing this to you.  It's one of those blurry lines between client and case worker.  But here I am, and I am going to write it anyway.

People miss you.  Tamara and me, especially.  The people in Murrow ask about you often, as do the Ambassadors and even some of the people who work in the area.  We're not really sure what is going to happen, but your family is talking about that.  We are glad that we found them for you.

You were always one of those people who I both loved and dreaded seeing.  You were full of personality, and sometimes that personality was hard for you to contain.  You were both obnoxiously loud, and incredibly sweet (on most days).  I think that you didn't know how to handle the kind of things life had so haphazardly thrown at you.  Most people wouldn't.  And I think that's probably why it was hard for people to look at you or to allow themselves to get to know you.  I don't think that anybody meant to hurt you, they just didn't know how to face you, and the parts of themselves that you represented.

I miss hearing you yelling from across the street.  And the way that your (almost) innocent eyes looked up at me as you told me to be safe and called me things like "Sweet Betty" and "Brother Sister".  You always came up with the most interesting names for people, and I think the "Yellow Birds" actually appreciated it, even though you weren't so sure what to think of them.

I always had a feeling that there was so much more to you than I could access.  I'm sorry if it bothered you when I asked my questions.  I just wanted to get to that part of you, and I didn't know how.  Do you know that on the last day that Tamara and I saw you in the park we had figured out a way to record your story like you always asked us to?  But it was too cold, and you were huddled under that blanket and didn't really seem interested in talking.  I kind of wish we would have pushed you a little harder.  I think you wanted to tell us something...

Every time I saw you I left unsure how to handle our interactions.  You both broke my heart and healed it a little bit at a time.  I don't think you even knew...I don't think I did either, until your absence let me know.

Even now I don't really know what to say or how to feel. I just wanted to let you know that we miss you.  For some reason this seemed like the best way.

community.

after dinner we gathered in the living room to talk about dreams, listen to stories and learn about what it means to live.  together.  in community.  bundled up in hoodies, blankets, and scarves (because we're a little too cheap to give in to the heat quite yet), we lit candles laughed, sighed and debated together.  this is what life looks like.  i am so lucky that God has called me to this place.

the anacostia

the anacostia river.  several months ago luke and i moved east of it.  to a place where no one in the "right" mind "wants" to live.  it's the place that has been described as the dumping ground for things that the city doesn't want in it's center--the mental hospital, several long-stay homeless shelters, the jail, section 8 housing and the power plant.   it's where a couple of years ago during all the snow, dc literally took snow from the streets of downtown and dumped it right here, east of the river.  but now we call it home.  and we love it here.

the anacostia river.  i walked across it on my way home last night.  i forgot my smartrip card, and so instead of paying $3.40 to get home by bus, i took a bus halfway home for $1.70 and walked the rest of the way.  over the anacostia at sunset.

God has always given me the mercy of using my direct surroundings to learn truths about Him and about myself, and last night was no different.  as i looked across the bridge at sunset, i realized that i am a lot like the anacostia river.  the river at sunset--this is how i want people to see me.  i want them to see someone who is graceful and peaceful and serene.  i want them to think i am lovely and beautiful.  i've been reading a lot about the enneagram this week.  i am a "2", a "people pleaser".  my goal is to make myself and others believe that i am loving and caring, selfless and kind.

in reality, the anacostia is quite polluted and dirty.  there is a lot of trash and the plants that touch the river on a regular basis are dirty and dying.  the river does not give life, it brings death.

this is how i feel that i am sometimes.  especially this week, i feel drained and tired and uncertain of what i should do.  so i'm crabby and angry.  i'm disillusioned and i do not bring life to people, i bring cynicism and death.  sometimes i nurse angry thoughts in my head, and often those thoughts spill out into gossip and angry words. inside i am not peaceful and serene.  when you get up close to me you realize that i am restless and wrestling with thoughts and actions--both those of myself and those around me.  on my worst days, the reasons i appear loving and caring is because i want something in return.  recognition or favors or love.  my worst fear is not being needed.  i am dirty.  like the anacostia when you get up close. 

but, as i crossed over the bridge and made my way into the park,  God reminded me that, just like the anacostia river, and the adjacent park east of it, i am still a work in progress.  i need to rely on Him and on others to help clean me up.  to point out things that are wrong with my thinking or my acting.  on my good days, i am enjoyed by many people.  i can bring joy to those around me.  and on my bad days i smell pretty bad.  but eventually i will be made clean, and by the grace of God i will be who He created me to be.

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"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.  And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

-Philippians 1:3-11

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feelin' groovy

things i am currently finding groovy*:

september.  and the return of my spiced pumpkin candle.

simon & garfunkel (hence the title...).

my clients. and how much i love them.

my job.  because my co-worker is amazing and my clients are special.  and because it's the best job in the world.

dreaming about india.

fresh flowers.  and how my client who sells them likes to give them to me for free (he tried to do it again today when i wanted to buy some for my housemate!).

living in community and practicing common prayer.

my husband.  who makes me giggle.

pictures and the taking and editing of.

pumpkin spice muffins (and the anticipation of a pumpkin spice latte on tuesday!).

just a happy note as we head into friday!

happy september everyone!

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*in no particular order.

human together

i had every intention of going to the gym when i got home from work this afternoon. but after staying up until midnight last night and going into work at 7:00 this morning it was more appealing for me to come home to our empty community house, grab a handful of pita chips and a mug full of chocolate milk and sit down to blog while our house cat snoozes on the chair across from me and the sunlight filters through the numerous windows. it's not usually quiet in our house. which i like. i love living in community, i love my housemates and i would not give up where i am in life right now for anything (unless, maybe, i was offered a ticket to india...but even that's uncertain because that will happen when God is ready...). but it's been an emotional week, and i haven't really had time to think and sometimes that can add to the exhaustion.

today tamara and i were talking to one of our clients who sells flowers.
"a," i said, "those are really beautiful. i'm going to come back and buy some from you later." "take some" a answered, "i want you to have them."
"but i don't have any money with me right now..."
"i want to give them to you."
so i left him with a bouquet of beautiful flowers in yellows and reds and burgundy--a perfect fall mix for the end of august.

i have probably said it before and i will probably say it again because i think that our common humanity will always and forever be what drives me and compels me consistently to love others. i count myself so, so privileged because day after day i get to sit down and hear the stories and share the humanity with people who many have pushed to the side.

i get to see the smile on a's face as he watches people pick out flowers from his stand. i get to hear the simple reasoning of justice from my developmentally delayed friend r, which reminds me day after day to seek the simple justices and ways of life. it's not really as complicated as i make it. i get to see the tears in g's eyes as he tells me (yet again) of the death of his daughter. i see the excitement when d gets to provide a home for his wife after a long time searching. i get to enter into the delusions of mr. c who has somehow decided to trust me even though he thinks everyone else is out to get him. and i get to laugh with c as he tells me i'm a stalker and accuses me of stealing all the petty cash (i never really know if he's joking...).

i'm so privileged because i get to experience humanity every day with people who are simply human...but told by society that they just aren't worth it.

t and i have two quotes in our office and at the end of every email that we send. her's reads "my humanity is bound up in yours, for we can only be human together" (bishop desmond tutu) and i have found this to be so true. as i realize my clients humanity i realize more and more my own humanity. our weaknesses and strengths. loves and dislikes. we rejoice together and cry together. and through our common humanity we build bonds and help each other grow.

a psalm

i've been struggling with God. learning what it looks like to give control over to Him and to trust Him with my life. to accept that He knows my future, and He knows what He wants it to look like. also trying to remember that He is the God of justice and mercy. of love and wrath. and He is able to be the God of opposites because He is the Alpha and the Omega.

whenever i struggle, i find it helpful to do something creative. for some reason it helps bring me closer to God in a way that is easy and comfortable. this week i've been praying and thinking and reading the psalms. i came to psalm 101, and for some reason i was prompted to re-write it. and i thought i would share.

psalm 101
of elisabeth. a psalm.

i will sing of Your love and justice;
to You, O LORD, i will sing praise.
i will try, with Your help, to live a life of justice and mercy--
will You help me?

i will treat my family with love and grace.
i will not enter into temptation purposefully.

the deeds of the unjust--especially those that they claim to do in Your name--frustrate me.
those deeds i hate. they will not be my deeds.
those whose heart is focused on violence and lies shall not be close to me--
for i will have nothing to do with evil.

whoever slanders the poor or meek--
those i will try to give a new point of view;
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart--
i will speak to them the truth of Your justice.

my eyes will be on the marginalized in the land,
that they may dwell with me;
i will entreat the faithful and just to minister to me.

no one who speaks lies as if they are truth will dwell in my house--
for they do more damage than good.

every morning i will seek Your truth, and put to silence the wicked in myself;
and i will seek to bring the Kingdom of the Lord to this city.

we're leaving for india this week. while we're gone luke and i will be blogging from here. hopefully on a more regular basis than we have been previously...

Jesus.

his name is "jesus". or at least, that is how he introduced himself to me the first day i met him. not the spanish pronunciation that is so prevalent, but "jesus", the way you would hear it if you walked into an american church any given sunday. so that is what i call him. this big, tall guy who makes grand gestures with his arms and eyes while talking, and whose mental illness keeps him on the edge of society.

the first time i met him he simply asked for a couple of sandwiches. the next time i saw him, he was eating in a food court below where he usually sits, because it was raining. but then i started seeing him regularly and we starting having discussions about creating the world, and what it feels like for him to live in a "diseased" place, with "diseased" people when he is the only one who is not full of "disease". "jesus" refuses to go anywhere. he does not want to live inside because it is uncomfortable for him to do so, and he does not really want to be helped because--honestly--who can help "jesus"?

there have been some problems lately with "jesus" which led to us having to have him FD-12'ed, or involuntarily committed to a psychiatric ward. we visited with him a couple times there. the halls are dark, and remind me a little bit of the inside of a prison. after all, the building is right next to a prison, and when our clients who are mentally ill do something illegal, this is where they are taken, instead of prison, to try to get them the treatment they need.

a couple days after he got taken to the psych ward, "jesus" got released and the nurse called us and asked if we could pick him up and take him to his psych intake at a local medical facility. we agreed, and our intern and i hopped into the van and drove over to pick him up. on our way to his appointment he asked us if we could stop and get him something to eat--he was hungry and thirsty. so we took "jesus" to get something to eat. after his intake and doctor's appointments we took him to a laundromat because he needed some clean clothes to wear. and as i was talking to him throughout the day it hit me that these were the simple things that Jesus instructs us to do in matthew 25.

“When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’"

i don't say this to "toot my own horn", but rather to tell you of a gift that God gave me last week. sometimes i get really frustrated with the state of the world. i get angry that sin perpetuates, the powerful win and the weak on the margins get forgotten, lost or hurt. i get frustrated sometimes with the way that nonprofits are sometimes poorly run, or how the money for these nonprofits is never distributed or shifted to the bottom of the priority list. and i was getting increasingly frustrated last week.

but then God reminded me of the reason i do what i do. the reasons that we all are to care for those on the margins. because when we do so, we are caring for Him. and as i sat with "jesus" and ate lunch with this man who has been pushed to the side and called worthless, i don't think it was an accident that i remembered matthew 25.

i once heard dave andrews--a great speaker and fellow servant and follower of Jesus say that it is comforting for us to know that Jesus tells us to "give, invite, look after, clothe and visit" not to "heal, redeem and fix". we have an easy job--Jesus asks us to do for others things that we CAN do. i get so caught up in my frustrations over things that i CAN'T do, that i often neglect the things that i CAN do. and that day in mcdonalds, Jesus (and "jesus") reminded me of the basics.