joyful in hope.

i'm up again tonight. after 10 nights of sleep the stretch of what is so normal for most humans is over. back to my normal. i tucked luke into bed and i've come out here...it's quiet in our apartment, but outside is the buzz of people who don't need sleep. this is especially frustrating because i would gladly pass this pain off to them if i could...they are planning on being awake anyway. i would like to be asleep.

i've been continuing my thoughts on joy a lot. sometimes in order to battle frustration. other times God subtly reminds me that joy is not an emotion, it's not happiness and it's not other people, but rather it comes from a deeply rooted faith in Him who knows all things, even if it feels like He doesn't. after all, we are commanded in romans to be joyful in hope, not to hope in joy. unfortunately, i find myself confusing the two often...waiting for the morning when either a. i'll feel better or b. i'll at least have people around to make me feel better. but lately i've been waking up feeling sick as well...which is new for me (generally i've just been feeling sick at night...). i think it's God's subtle (or not so much...) reminder that joy is always, not just in the morning, and we are to be joyful always, because God is ever-present, even if that is hard to remember sometimes.

and God is good (i must always continue to remind myself of this, no matter what). He gave me 10 full nights of sleep in a row, and many, many more before that. He has given me a wonderful husband and a supportive family and beautiful friends. i can't even begin to name the things He has blessed me with. and most of all He has given me the opportunity to have joy in Him, which is the greatest gift of all. i must keep reminding myself of these blessings.

He has also given me moments of pure happiness over the past couple of weeks. and in order to remind myself of them, i want to share them with you:

a birthday card that i found while cleaning out our apartment. it was from my sister christie and it reads "our family is a lot like one of those circus families except for the skill and the travel and the seediness. we're very close is what i'm saying..." that card made me smile. because it's true.

the spiced pumpkin candle that luke sleepily lit tonight right before he went to bed so that i would feel better and "be less lonely."

the woman who made eye contact with me on my way home from work yesterday and got so excited that she turned around a couple seconds later and yelled "i hope you have a wonderful day!"

the little children i observed last friday who loved the presence of each other so much that all 11 of them would travel around the classroom together in a herd.

my co-workers who loved my chocolate truffles and told me so.

the 3 dollar date luke took me on to a nice swedish restaurant (also known as IKEA) and the way we dressed up like it was a fancy Christmas date.*

words of encouragement from all four of my wonderful parents.

yes, God gives me little moments of happiness. He knows what i can handle and what i can't. and while sometimes i think this is unbearable, He gives me moments where i forget that's what i think. and when i forget that He is good, He'll remind me that He is unchanging and give me grace and let me remember that He is good again.

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*here are some pictures from our $3 date!