on lent.

so lent is here. i've been thinking a lot about lent and what it means to me this year and what it has meant to me in the past. in the past i think i've used lent (unconsciously, of course) as a way to start a habit in order to benefit me, rather than in order to draw me closer to God. while some may draw closer to God from giving up chocolate, i don't think i actually ever did. really i just wanted to try to lose a few pounds. so this year i wanted to use lent to draw me closer to God. this year there is no giving up chocolate (and thank goodness, because valentine's day sale candy is my favorite part of valentine's day...)

and thus it begins.

the main thing that has been separating me from God recently is twofold:

1. i have not been appreciative of where i am.
2. i have not been thankful for where i am going.

lately i have done nothing much other than compare myself to others.

she has a dslr camera...i want a dslr camera.
they have a dog...i want a dog.
they are buying a house...i want a house.
they live in the mountains...i want to live in the mountains.

and on, and on, and on. often i wonder who i am, why God made me the way He did, and why He seems to be calling us to something that is hard, something that will hurt, something that will not be comfortable. why do i have to follow God to a slum in a far away land while other people can follow God in the mountains of north carolina with a house and a puppy? why am i living in dc, far away from my family, in an apartment that is loud and smelly with people who don't look like me while other people get to move to charlotte, where they live closer to their family and in a place where people look like them?

now i'm not saying that others callings are more or less than ours. they aren't easier or harder. they are unique and equal, just as we are all unique, God calls us to unique places and unique ministries.

today i was reading how to inherit the earth by scott bessenecker and he was talking about this exact thing. he spoke of how the disciples john and peter were probably good friends, probably the closest friends of all the disciples. he spoke of how this probably lead to some competition--peter eager to gain the upper hand by walking on water and proclaiming Jesus as the Messiah, john outright asking Jesus if he could sit at His right hand in the kingdom. and at the end of Jesus' time on earth He takes peter aside and He tells peter to feed His sheep and nurture His flock. and then He tells peter that He is going to by martyred. and peter looks over at john and says "what about that guy" and Jesus pretty much says, "he's going to live forever, but that is no matter to you because you follow me, regardless of what john does." i'm sure that made peter pretty upset. why does that kid get to live forever, when i have to get tied up and lead places that i don't want to go? (you can read all about it in john 21). but Jesus had a plan for peter and a plan for john and he has a plan for me and for my friends in the mountains and in charlotte and chapel hill.

scott bessenecker said this, and it spoke directly to me:

...following Jesus into a costly calling which is already a poor fit with out natural gifts and wiring will never be easily embraced if we look off to the side at those "other disciples" who seem to be more naturally gifted for the task, especially when our calling appears more costly than the calling of those who are better suited to the job. it starts to look as if Jesus loves them more. that kind of comparison derails humble submission and following...

so what does all this have to do with lent, you ask?

my lenten goal is this:

to stop looking elsewhere, focus on God, and learn to enjoy the uniqueness of my calling.

and here are the first steps i am going to take:

i am going to stop complaining. i am going to stop complaining out loud first. and hopefully, eventually, the complaints in my head will stop as well.

i am not going to get on facebook. seeing other people and their status updates and their pictures make me wish that i was someone else, that i was somewhere else or that i had something else.

i am going to limit my time online mindlessly clicking through blogs and checking email or chatting on gchat. i want to catch up with friends over the phone, learn about my passions, read more, and spend more quality time with my husband. also, less time online means more free time to pursue a deep relationship with God.

so that's that. we'll see how it goes and what God shows me. if nothing else, giving up complaining will most likely get me into some pretty funny situations where all i want to do is complain. it already has...ask me about them after lent...in the meantime i'll be finding joy in the things i want to complain about. for example, even though the snow slows everything down it is amazingly beautiful...

...and it's pretty hilarious to watch dc try to move it all...


so i'll keep you updated. and i hope those of you who participate in lent will do the same for me. and remember, there is grace in lent. lets lift our failings and our successes up to God for each other.