transition, waiting and a few resolutions

i like airports. i think it's the state of transition that they put me in. i noticed this while we were coming back from colorado. i felt comfortable there. i did not really want to leave once i got there. maybe it's because recently i have not felt like i belong most places. i feel stuck in transition. and so that is where i long to be--literally in transition. i have overwhelming desires to go somewhere. not anywhere specific...just somewhere. i would like to get into a car and just go. unaware--and actually kind of afraid of--a final destination. this is who i am right now.

i was trying to figure out a way to start this blog post--the first real post of 2011--without sounding so depressing. for example, i am eating string cheese and i like it a lot. so a possible beginning would be "i like string cheese". but let's be honest here. lay it all out on the table. i sound depressed because i am. clinically. well, probably. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

i shudder a bit--seeing how easy it was to just put that out there (okay, so it wasn't that easy. i posted it, took it down, posted it again, took it down and had luke read it before i posted it again...). especially because if i were to tell you that face-to-face it would be a lot harder. and so maybe i shouldn't have put it down. but, if you were to ask me face-to-face about it, i would tell you. and talk to you honestly about it. so, why not.

so now, you may ask, if you're being so honest, why is your blog title still "with joy". good question. i thought about changing it. i have this awesome picture i took of a cool mirror while we were in colorado. since it was of a mirror, i, of course am in the picture. i thought about making that my header and naming this blog "reflections". but instead, i continued on with the current theme "with joy". and i think it's because even though i'm not feeling a whole lot of joy right now, i'm learning a whole lot about joy. and there is still a longing in me for the promise of isaiah to be fulfilled when he says that we will go out with joy. and i think as long as i have that longing, there is hope for me yet.

so, back to transition. even though i am comfortable in transition i am bad at waiting. while at first that may seem like an oxymoron, when i think about it further, it is not. waiting means being still. transition means going forward (or backward, but going). while i'm sitting here in my apartment i am waiting. when i am on the bus i am in transition. while sometimes transition involves waiting, and usually waiting involves some kind of transition, the two are not interchangeable. i spend my time waiting wondering what God is doing. why He is not using the talents that He gave me to do something bigger or better. trying to figure it out--like God is playing some kind of game with me. and if i think about it hard enough i will figure it out and win. and then God will do something good for me.

what i neglect to realize is that sometimes God just wants us to wait. and sometimes we may not know why. i've been reading acts in january, and today i was reading about paul (who is kind of growing on me as i read stories about him...) and about his mishap in jerusalem, getting arrested, the pharisees and sadduces wanting to kill him, so he is sent to caesarea where he appears in front of felix. paul is able to give his testimony, but there is not word about where felix had a grand conversion, or if he even recognized Jesus as his Savior and changed his ways. no, all it says is that paul was in prison for two years and felix left him there. now, i haven't finished the story yet, i don't know if some great miracle explains why he had to be there for two years. my guess is...well, i don't have one. the thing is, paul could have probably been using his talents in a much grander way. but for some reason God wanted him to be in that prison. otherwise He would have broken him out with an angel, or an earthquake. it had been done before. but paul waited in prison for (at least) two years. sometimes God wants us to wait.

and so, that brings me to my 2011 new year's resolutions/goals whatever you would like to call them. i know, it's one third of the way through january, but here they are:

• embrace the moments of waiting and stillness and quiet. to not fill up all of my time with noise, music, netflix, hulu, you name it. to let myself have full days without turning on something that makes noise. and to rest in it.
• keep the internet off until i have had real intentional time with God.
• memorize (at least) one Bible verse a week.
• be intentional in the way i spend my time--specifically limiting the time i spend wandering the internet mindlessly.
• go easier on myself--learn my boundaries and stick to them, to not assess and reassess every little thing i do (that is so self-absorbed!)
• read (at least) one book a month
• don't compare myself to others (as one of my favorite writings says "there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself")
• submit (at least) one photo to a photobuyer
• remember birthdays and celebrate them in some way (card, email, phone call--facebook does not count this year)
• use my calendar to better keep track of everything (stemming from the above resolution...)
• listen to my body, heart and mind more. and be okay with what they are saying.
• regularly donate blood again.
• blog (at least) once a week
• start to learn hindi
• cook at least one vegetarian meal a week. and experiment with spices.
  
• tell the truth--not that i habitually lie BIG lies now--but you know, being honest. not saying "your hair looks cute" when really, it doesn't. and not saying "i don't care" when really i do.
  

i tried to make my goals attainable this year. they aren't too big, but they are all things that i would like to or need to do. they don't include things like "lose weight" because, honestly, i say that every year and every year i fail. instead, i want to become a more whole person. i don't know if that is a measurable goal. but here we go.

happy 2011 everyone.